What is our “why”?
Our founder and creator, Sabrina, was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa at 12 years old and after going through recovery she wants to help anyone else who is struggling with an eating disorder and/or body image distress.
Sabrina’s Personal story
(Narrated by Sabrina)
Growing up in the suburbs of California I was influenced by the echoes of diet culture since I could interpret the world around me. Diets and exercise were used to fix what was “wrong” with people. Mom dieting and measuring her food with little plastic containers at the dinner table. Getting up at 6am to get ready for school, my parents already up.
One time, I heard Mom say, “God, she doesn’t have any cellulite at all, does she?” Mom says, exasperated. “What’s cellulite?” I thought.
6 years old, I’m sitting on the bus to summer camp. Sitting next to a counselor at least 15 years older than me. “Why do my legs look bigger than hers?” I think, “I must be fat.” So I grew up believing I was too big. That I was ugly.
When I was 11 years old I started to pray for a different body. Hating the one I was in more then ever before. So when the doctor told me to “lay off the junk food and move a round a little more”, it was the last straw. That summer, the one before 7th grade, was the summer of “I’m not hungry”, “I’ll eat later”, “you really think my jeans look a little looser?”. It was the summer of steamed spinach, just-kale salads and no sugar. And when I stepped on the scale and found I’d lost 10 pounds, I was guiltily thrilled.
The next year I started junior high. Counting all my calories, restricting them, went unquestioned, it felt safe, even normal. I slowly talked with my friends less and less. Then I stopped sitting with them all together. I was embarrassing. And there’s no way they actually liked me anyway, right? I was ugly.
I hated school and my teachers. I was anxious all the time. “I don’t want to go to this school anymore,” I said to her parents one day, and 2 months later I was enrolled at a new school. A homeschool-hybrid program where I would attend school on campus 2 days a week and learn independently at home 3 days a week. I would start after the winter break.
My last week at public school I sat in the car each morning crying until the very last minute before class.
After I transferred, my ED took a turn for the worse. I was eating less and less, working out compulsively and dropping too much weight far too quickly. I became irritable, I was always freezing, my nails were weak, I had bruises everywhere, I was thinking about food every second of the day, I was body checking constantly, my memory was so bad I couldn’t remember what Mom had told me only an hour ago, I could barely maintain the one friendship I had left, I was chewing packs of 0 calorie gum a week trying to curb my appetite, my world was crumbling and I still thought I wasn’t sick enough. I saw the numbers on the scale and measuring tape go down but I still thought I looked the same in the mirror. I didn’t understand what an ED was, I thought it meant I would feel afraid of food and I didn’t think I was afraid of food. In fact, I thought I’d beat the system. I thought I was losing weight while eating so much food (spoiler alert: I wasn’t.)
In March, Mom brought me to the doctor because I hadn’t had my period in 4 months and my cycle had been very regular up to that point. I didn’t know it then, but I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa that day. My doctor was very worried about me. By June I was doing worse and worse and my parents didn’t know what to do. They got a recommendation from my doctor to put me in an Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program.
That was the summer of fighting over food, crying over cake, accepting that I had a problem. It was the summer of therapy, doctors appointments and relearning to feed myself. That was the summer of recovery. I learned what I was dealing with and that I wanted to live. I regained the weight I’d lost but I also regained my personality. My life, friendships, my health. I regained everything and more. I even made one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.
After I graduated the IOP in late August, I stayed in therapy, I continued to meet with a dietitian and my doctor regularly but I got a lot of time in my life back. Things felt more normal than they had for a very long time. Over that year I worked hard on the things the still scared me. I worked on my social anxiety, perfectionism and body image (among other things). I earned back the ability to exercise and cook my own food. I rebuilt my life.
In the spring I created a presentation and pamphlet on ED awareness. I presented it in my school and to a local elementary school. I then wanted to expand it. So over the summer I decided to create this website with all the information (+more) from my presentation. I also designed glass cling stickers that say, “CAUTION: Images in mirror may be distorted to societally accepted ideas of beauty” (as well as linking to this website). You can find more information about that on the Society lies, choose to be alive section.
And this is where we are now. If you want to help, you can find our email on the Support page. I’m working towards a better life for me and others everyday, so if you’re struggling, remember help is only a phone call away. We’ve got this <3.